Harnessing Love’s Power
to Stop Oppression


Day 17: Beyond the Gender Binary–A Day without Pronouns

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Feb 04, 2013

Today is Day 17 of the Thirty Days of Love. Today’s action is to explore the gender binary by not using gendered pronouns for one day. Click here for resources, family actions, and more! Click here to sign up for the daily Thirty Days of Love emails.

This past Christmas Eve, I took my 7-year-old to a local Christmas pageant, where our neighbor was playing Joseph. After the service was over, there were cookies and cider and small talk. At one point, I realized “Joseph” had come back from the bathroom, but my child hadn’t. Feeling a bit of the adrenaline that comes from the fear that your child might be lost, I jogged towards the bathroom where my child had last been seen.

In that slightly charged moment of just wanting to be sure of my kid, from behind me, I heard a voice yell, “LADIES ROOM… LADIES ROOM!!”

This was an example of what some of us call an encounter with the “gender police.” Well-meaning people make assumptions about my gender, particularly near the entrances of gender-segregated areas, like bathrooms and locker rooms. In this case, a complete stranger felt themselves better qualified than I myself am to know my gender—even through my winter coat in a dark hallway.

Some of us just don’t fit your stereotypes of what “male” or “female” look like. For many transgender and gender non-conforming people, these situations add stress, sap energy, and force the development of strategies to navigate every day needs like using the bathroom or moving through airport security.

I ignored the voice, which is how I typically handle such incidents, and continued with the task at hand. Long story short, my kid had found a friend from school and was chatting with them in the other room. All was well.

Or was it? Did I feel welcome in that church and inclined to return? Did I feel like people there would likely understand my story? Did I feel loved? No. It cast a memorable shadow over my evening.

So, what does it mean to show “love” to those of us who live at the boundaries of gender?

Yee Won Chong, an asylee from Malaysia, gives some straight-forward advice in the TEDx talk “Beyond the Gender Binary” (11 minutes):

1. Assume that everyone knows what bathrooms they are in.

2. Do not assume everyone goes by “he” or “she.”

3. Ask yourself “Would I want someone to ask me that?”

4. Do not tolerate anti-transgender remarks or humor.

5. Be open to thinking in new ways. Start thinking outside the gender binary.

There are many more suggestions in “Transfaith Tips for Allies” if you want to dig deeper. You can also find out more about gender neutral pronouns.

Today, I invite you to explore the boundary that determines the gender binary. Can you go 24 hours without using gender-specific pronouns like “he” and “she”? What would it feel like to try not to make assumptions about the gender of people you meet? How would it make life harder? Or easier? Challenge yourself to avoid pronouns for the day and share your experience on the Transfaith Facebook page!

In faith,

Chris Paige

Chris Paige is executive director of Transfaith/Interfaith Working Group, a national non-profit led by transgender people and focused on issues of faith and spirituality. Transfaith works closely with many allied organizations, both secular and religious, transgender-led and otherwise, to equip and cultivate diverse expressions of gender-affirming spiritual vitality.

4 Responses to “Day 17: Beyond the Gender Binary–A Day without Pronouns”

  1. Bonnie Gramlich says:

    Appreciated your words. Totally agree. Will read further and become more mindful. Thank you.

  2. ACE says:

    Oh Chris – how well I know that yell. Once I was in the ladies’ room and a woman with a beard (I am NOT making this up) said to me “You a lady or a man?!!” I answered (I am not making this up either) “Yes”.

  3. ACE says:

    On a more sobering note, yes this is not the first nor will it be the last time this has happened. I have been barred from certain ladies’ rooms in the past, been given the “eye-rolling treatment and once a woman ran from the neighboring stall when she saw my boots and pants enter the stall near her.
    Dialogue, Dialogue Dialogue — starts on the parent’s lap, continues in school. Otherwise this will never end.

  4. Sheila says:

    Very interesting conversation. I remember wishing for a gender-neutral pronoun when I began to explore God as be gender-neutral. I didn’t want to re-enforce the “he”, nor did I really want to always say “she”.

    Currently my Mother is in a nursing home, and she has a wonderful lesbian aide who is very near to her; she keeps accidentally referring to “her” as “he”…she can’t see much, and our friend “looks” male.

    So, this dialogue is very interesting, and something to think about. Thank you for sharing your story.

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